Today I failed

Today was the day I put my super woman cape on! A day of cleaning the house, being a great wife, and amazing mother and a one of a kind friend.

I have guests coming to my house this weekend and I really want things to look their best, dare I say perfect. I am not really sure why? Because if they like me for my perfection, then the relationship is already doomed. Maybe its a little bit of that inherited OCD I got from my mother…who knows… all I know is that today I failed.

The morning started off pretty great, I did the morning routine with the kids, we managed to get out the door on time and I didn’t have to yell for the one- hundredth time “eat your breakfast”, “did you put on socks?”, “where is your lunch box?”, “what do you mean you lost your jacket? again?”– Not today, today was smooth sailing. They ate their breakfast, put their shoes on with socks, had breakfast, brushed their teeth. I prayed for them before they got out of the car. I walked them in to school with smiles and kissed them off to conquer another day. I felt like super woman. I got this, today is my day!

I had a blog post due

I had laundry piles to fold put away, dirty laundry to clean, sofas to wipe down and vacuum…the sofas that the kids are not allowed to eat on…yeah those were covered in crumbs, pop corn, toys and even stuck on gum.  Gum! I mean really? gum stuck on the bottom of one of my sofa cushions… that was the start of the downhill of my day…”I got this… gum can’t stop me today” – I lied to myself, as I went on to find an oil to remove the gum.

I was suppose to sit down and read my Bible for a devotional time

I unfriended and bloked  friend on social media

the appliances didn’t get wiped

I had to pay the bills

I was suppose to surpize the hubby at work…

the dog had to be washed

I forgot to place my grocery order online..now we have no food for dinner

I failed as a woman because I ( had a guy help me, or I was mean to another woman?)

and somehow I failed. But how could I fail? I wasn’t feel ill, I was energized and ready to face this day. How can this to do list conquer over me like it did.  So many times in life we set such high expectations of ourselves, we want to be perfect, finish lists, send off our perfect kids to school, be the perfect example to a dying world around us. we want to be best friends, and amazing spouses. We need to pay all the bills and not forget to do groceries.

and why?

Why is it that our validation comes from being able to check off everything on a list? who told us that we had to accomplish so much and have perfect homes and perfect bodies, with long flowing hair that never looks dull or tangled? How the hell is laundry suppose to be finished? it seriously is an endless abyss. …

And it speaks nothing of whom we are. I am not my unfinished laundry, or my pretty home decor. I am not the car I drive. I don’t stop being a great wife or mom because I wasn’t able to conquer my to do list today.  Yet time and time again I go back to these lists, and these things to try to find validation.  We are lying to ourselves and we know – but we repeat the process daily.

Im a moment where I felt like a failure, like the weight of this world would win on the daily and that I was never going to be able to.