I was worried about what people would think.
How could they see that the Lord favored us, when we were stripped of all or “friends”.
Nothing made sense. I was living in a whirlwind of pain. On lonely street, where my close friends became daggers against my heart. How does one heal from such betrayal? How can you forgive someone who does not recognize their wrongs and hurts you over and over again?
In the midst of my pain, sadness and brokenness, I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was forgotten. It was a horrible feeling of wanting justice and yet knowing that it might never come. I would ask the Lord to take my burden away, for Him to come with justice. To bring down and destroy everything and everyone who was against us…but He didn’t. His answer to me was one I didn’t want to hear- I am not going to take it away- I am going to make you stronger.
But God do you hear me…are you aware of me? Do you understand what has happened?
Am I invisible….
Something monumental happened to me… which has changed the course of my life since. And that’s the thing about God, He works and He talks and moves and He heals and He is unexpectedly everything that we need, in every single way we need Him to be. And we don’t realize how we need Him. We don’t understand what truly heals our hearts , what truly fulfills our need until He comes and fulfills; until He comes and works.
as my story continues, we would start attending a startup church in the heart of downtown. A little church led by a HUGE God. A family. A tribe. A fulfillment to the promises I had once received.
We began to attend this small church, we sat in the very back, hoping to come in and out unnoticed. Because here is the thing about a broken heart, once broken, once it is shattered into pieces by the women you trusted the most- it doesn’t want to open up to anybody else.
I didn’t want to meet new people, I didn’t want to open up to a new family. I was tired of being hurt by people. I had a closed heart.
I would come in on Sunday mornings, and worship and cry ( oh I would cry so much- because when you are in the presence of the Holy Spirit ( at least for me) there is no dry eye). I was moved, and I was in the most uncomfortable place that I could possibly be. But I was in the place He hand placed me at.
And as I walked thru one of the darkest seasons in my life I met a living God. I didn’t talk to a soul at that church. I didn’t go to counseling or anything. I didn’t want to be known; I didn’t want to know anyone.
And yet One Sunday, I was sitting at church and the Lord spoke to me, thru a woman I had never spoken to... and this was the message: “
and this is what I want them to hear from ME: They are my priority and I am in pursuit of them
and I prayed oh Lord, that my mind by me so wrapped up in you that I would be able to hear or to care, nor would it matter to me what any thier influence around me is saying, because I am so hidden, so enwrapped in you.
But i feel like this message was not just for me. As I walk thru the tunnel that has become my life, I have learned that its not about just reaching the light at the end, it is about feeling confident and comfortable in that, although I cannot see what is around me, while I can't control a single situation in my life; that while I might stumble He will not allow me to fall. And as I trust in Him the darkness isn't as dark as it used to be, it isn't as scary...its your faith full companion in this journey. I have began to embrace one thing that we truly have no control over anything in our lives. That I am utterly dependent on him. and if I shall ever get confident in my own abilities to see in the dark, I will stumble...he will catch me, but it will be a reminder to me, that any false hope that we have in ourselves in futile.