I am sitting in the exciting world of "car pool line" waiting for the kiddos to get out of school. Its become a time of reflection & prayer; the silence and stillness in my car -before the storm breaks out and the kids come in tossing their backpacks and flinging their lunch boxes. I cherish these 45 minutes - which I once hated and brought so much anxiety and pain to my life.
I am in a season of letting go, in a season of allowing my fears be fears and allowing God to be the ruler over all, especially over them (my fears). A time of sitting down and looking at my life in slow motion, like a picture that I am somehow living, but not feeling. I don't feel like its real at the moment, I don't understand it, its very confusing and painful. All I can do is look into my life, and see God working through it. I have given Him the reigns. He is driving -as I am no longer able. I am in a season of brokenness, a season of war and brutal attacks. I am tired. My inmost being is just broken.
Honestly, I can sit here and name all of the different scenarios that have brought me to this place - I could name two specific people who have caused so much pain, confusion, and anger. I could name a man who has caused so much destruction to his family and world around him - I could go on and on and on about how I have been removed from a community I once cherish with my life - BUT ...there is no point in that. There is no longer any value or worth -because the battle is not against people, its against the powers and rulers and the spiritual forces that are at work in this world. My current world makes no sense. I can't go back and say- this action is justified by this. I cannot mentally comprehend the reasons why I am in this season, because there is no human explanation to the things that occur in the spiritual world. Its hard for my mind to understand that human actions are ruled by the evil in this world. Its hard for me to separate the sin from the sinner - because all I see is the sinner and all I want to do is hate them. I am in a constant, internal battle of The Spirit telling me to love them and not their sin. To see them and not the stupid, painful things they have done or said against me.
I don't know if you can relate to a season like that. When pain has taken over, when you have been used, rejected and mistreated by others -unjustified! BUT now I speak to the broken, to the lonely, to the ones without a reason to wake up every morning, to those who stay up at night worrying about life and wake up tired and purposeless.
To the woman who sits in the car line- waiting for her kids to get out of school, who is hangin on to life because of her kids. God sees you. God is there. He sits in the car line waiting with you. He hoovers over you and your broken heart. He listens to every scream and records every tear.
We praise the God who is able to conquer every fear, every anxiety, every suicidal thought. We praise Him because HE is bigger than any of the attacks that are coming against us on a daily basis. We praise HIM because HE has already conquered over them, at the cross.
To the person who is dreading this Christmas season - may the Lord speak to your broken heart and may HE be the one who fills the emptiness caused by the loss of a loved one. Only He is able to bring comfort in time.
I am not really sure why I have written this post, or if anyone will even read it. I just wanted to be obedient to something that I wholeheartedly believe the Lord wanted me to share. I wanted to share, that sometimes, our lives are not as perfect as our feeds - my life sure isn't. That is real life. I wanted to share this because real life has both beauty and pain. Joy and tears. Gain and Loss. Bad days and good days. So this is real me as well, in my "real life feed" there is a time of sorrow - and i think someone out there needed to see that life isn't always perfect.
It has taken a great loss in my life, for me to step back and understand that in the midst of difficult situations and in the midst of pain, HE is able to do surprisingly more than we can ever think of or imagine. Sometimes He needs to take us out of our comfort so that we can see that there is a world around us that is in pain and that needs to see the love of Jesus. Action not just Words.
I have enjoyed reading Ephesians 6:10-18 and I invite you to read it as well.
My thoughts & notes:
What is my battle? What is making my heart sad and taking the joy away ? Is it the loss of a loved one? is it friends? painful words? rejection? What is hurting me?
Why is this happening ( what I wrote above), is it something I did? Is there any reason behind it? or is it a spiritual battle?
Is this interrupting my life? did I stop living? Have I allowed fear, pain, anxiety, depression, mental illness, confusion...to interfere in my life? How?
There Word of God says that this world is run by forces that we cannot see ( which makes it really hard to believe, that they in fact are real or at work) but they control many of the daily situations that we face. Increased fear, increased sadness or depression, intensified feelings - the ugly actions of others, lies, someone unfollowing us on social media, when someone does not say hi. ALL of these things are managed by forces that are at work around us - in a world we cannot see -whether you believe in it or not. Because out belief or none belief does not affect this reality. In fact - the less we recognize the spiritual, the less we give it importance, or the less we believe - The MORE we cannot understand other's actions, the more we cannot understand our depression, the more we hurt - the more hopeless we feel.
Our hope is that we can stand firm during and by the end of the battle. We might feel the effects of the war- but we shall still be standing! And so I just invite you to come along - and join me in this journey as I pray and try to figure out how to live in a world that I don't see -that influences so much the world and the actions that I live in.